Preparing for paternity, as well as motherhood, is not easy, if you deal with this role for the first time. But there is a way, and not the only one, that can help you being mentally prepared for this difficult step, avoiding complications in future. However, remember, these methods are designed for people with iron psyche.
1. Women. To prepare for fullness, put on a loose dress and fix a pouch on your stomach, you need to wear it within 9 months and burden at 2 kg every month. After 9 months remove 20% of 18 gained kgs.
Men. To prepare for the joys of fatherhood, agree with the accountant department to transfer your whole salary immediately to the account of pharmacy nearest to your home. Having come home, lie on a sofa and read a newspaper for the last time.
2. Before you start a family, find a couple who already has children, and give them comments on how they should teach their child to order, as well as the fact that they behave too nervous with their child.
Tell them they should be patient. Give them tips on time they need to put a child to sleep at, how to teach him washing and brushing teeth in the morning, behaving at the table, in general, how to nurture him the right way.
Snatch at a chance: this is the last time in your life when you know all the answers.
3. To learn more about how your nights will pass, walk around the room from corner to corner from 5 PM to 10 PM, holding a wet bundle weighing about 5 kg in your hands. At 10 PM put a bundle, set an alarm-clock at midnight and go to bed. At midnight wake up, take the bundle again and walk with it back-forward till 1 AM. Set an alarm-clock for 3 AM.
As you will not manage to sleep anymore, rise up out of bed at 2 AM, go to the kitchen to have a glass of white Martini (for example) and go to bed at 2:45 again. At 3 AM wake up and sing up to 4 AM. Set the alarm for 5 AM. Stand up for the call and prepare yourself breakfast. Repeat this exercise every day throughout the year (preferably two).
4. Can you stand the mess a little child can arrange?
Coat gradually every item of upholstered furniture with jam, chocolate and yogurt.
Put some pieces of food (your choice) behind the TV and in drawers and leave them there for several months. Dirty your hands and dry them on the carpet. Then try to hide appeared spots painting them with color pencils.
5. Dressing a child is not so easy, as it seems. Catch an octopus in the sea and try to box it up in a plastic bag, in a way that none of arms would stick out of the package. Execution of this exercise requires the whole morning.
6. Take a pack of pasta and a plate with size of approximately 40×40 cm. Stick macaroni on the plate, creating a circle, cover them with lacquer and paint plate in black. Fix fasteners to the back of board and hang it on the wall. Let these splendid «beads as a gift for Mother’s Day» hanging for five years.
7. Buy a chocolate ice cream and place it in a glovebox. Stick a few coins in car audio. Crush some chocolate candies in the back seat, stroke it with a metal shovel.
8. Preparing for those days when you are going somewhere with whole family. Be prepared to leave the house. Wait at the bathroom’s door for half an hour, then go to the front door. Go out. Wait at the door for five minutes. Enter again. Exit again. Enter again. Exit again. Start the car. Press the gas pedal nervously.
Beep. Switch off the engine. Go out of the car. If you smoke, have your tenth cigarette. If not – bite nails. On feet. Come to the front door, press the call button for a minute. Shout: «Are you soon???» Go to the street and walk for 5-10 minutes. Sit in the car. Beep once again. Turn on the radio. You are aware of this aspect in full.
9. Repeat your each phrase five times, periodically adding: «Do you hear me?».
10. In order to learn feeding a child, ask your wife to help you. Let she repeat: «This spoon – for dad.» Ask her moving the spoon to your mouth, while playing in the plane at the same time (imitate engine’s noise using your lips).
When the spoon is in your mouth, waggle your head (as if wishing to say «no») and start howling. If she insists, taking the spoon in your mouth, then spit out whole soup. Continue spitting, do not forget howling. Wee-wee in the pants are welcome.
11. If you continue singing it even at work – then you’ve finally matured to become a real parent.
